Thai Massage

I want to begin by saying that I have been training in martial arts for 20+ years. I have a 5th Degree Black Belt in Karate, a 1st in Arnis, and I’ve been training Muay Thai, BJJ, and other martial arts for years. Not only that but I tend to like to travel around the world exploring and testing my martial arts with others. I even went to Ethiopia and fought local tribal Mursie warriors. I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Thailand, on a trip where I am doing Muay Thai and other Thai martial arts. With all that being said, I feel I have a fairly high pain threshold and tend to be pretty tough, but I experienced my first Traditional Thai massage today and I have much to say about it.


It began because my knee had been bothering me and I had the clever idea that maybe a massage would loosen up the muscles and help out a bit. I got much much more than what I bargained for. Initially, I had signed up for a Thai Warrior Massage but had just eaten so I told them I would be back in an hour. While waiting for my delicious 3-dollar dinner to digest enough for me to lie on my stomach for an hour I decided to look at what that “Thai Warrior Massage” was. It’s a combination of Yoga, combat, and acupuncture. I decided that that might be a bit too much for me. So, when I got to my appointment, thinking I was saving myself from misery, I decided to just opt for a full-body Thai massage instead. Little did I know that I was out of the pan and heading directly for the Fire.


Everything seemed fine at first, pretty typical massage procedure, head to a back room, lay on the table, and put your head through the hole. Immediately I was greeted with some of the strongest hands I had ever felt. They grabbed my calf and began to tear flesh from bone, or at least it initially felt like that. Usually, when I feel someone grabbing my joints and squeezing them I will fight back or at least tap. But in this case, I couldn’t just bow out and therefore I pressed on. As the lady, probably having murdered many a weak man in her time, worked up my body I began to relax into the massage. It was finally becoming everything and more than I had hoped it to be. The music was soft and sweet, the atmosphere was relaxing, and even the perfect temperature, was almost magical. But there was still pain to come my way.


As every muscle in my body was being tugged, twisted, pressed, and brutally attacked without remorse, I could feel my muscles letting go of every knot they had once held. I could feel the lady standing on the table and driving her elbows deep into my back shoulder or spine. I don’t know who was grunting more, her or me. Her due to the amount of enormous pressure to try and tenderize my body like a juicy steak or me from holding back my pain and agony. In one moment the massage sent me to a spiritual place, where I felt I was about to unlock my final chakra and reach full enlightenment, then in the very next second, I felt I had slipped into the 7th layer of Hell from Dantes Inferno. I let out groans, she let out groans as she braced her feet on the wall and tried to put me through the table. It was incredible!


I was twisted, struck, kneed, elbowed, and abused. If had the information she wanted, I would have broken it and given it to her due to her torture. But alas, I didn’t have any secrets, I had paid for this abuse. So, I pressed on. Moment after moment went by, and I continued to drift from heaven to hell in my pursuit of relaxation and holistic health. I was stuck and couldn’t wimp out, after all, it was only a massage. As the time drifted on, the lady would tag out and have a fresh abuser enter to finish the job. As I came to the end of my massage, I was asked to sit up for her to grab my arms and see if my back could be bent into the letter U. It came close but more so every vertebra decided to scream out in agony as well. Never before, even at a chiropractor, had my back popped as loudly as it did this evening. I feared someone might come in and yell at us for disturbing the other guests with the noise.


As I finished my massage, my body now in a liquid state, I gathered my belongings and headed to the door only to be stopped by the lady, this time with smiles and cookies. She told me to sit and at this point, I was afraid of what she would do to me if I said no. So, I decided to follow directions and enjoy my Cookies and Tea. As I sat there, I recollected myself, my body now reforming to a solid state, and decided that if ever given a chance to get another massage I would go again. Just this time not as an innocent child unknown to the world of agony but as a seasoned veteran of misery with the foreboding knowledge of what is to come.


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